Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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