i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
