tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
