Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
