I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
