I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
