The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
