how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
