I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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