I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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