so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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