I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
