we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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