well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
