my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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