dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
