I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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