I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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