just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
