Yo dont text me then not text me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
