I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
