ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
