I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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