And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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