remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
These tits shall not be calmed
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
