Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
