I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
