I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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