i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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