She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
