The maid of honor just puked.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
