Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
