i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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