i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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