I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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