If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
