hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
