I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Randomize
