i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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