just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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