in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
