what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize