2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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