I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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