Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
