I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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