i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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