meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize