Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize