You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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