Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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