Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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