I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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