i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize