what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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