What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize