he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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