Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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