I wish I could teleport
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
