Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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