i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
