I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
