You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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