I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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