well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
