I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
