Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
