my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize