is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
